interests: acting disinterested.

Here’s the update on the rat thing. From before.

Turns out, I love this rat. I decided to keep him as my pet. (Oh yeah, he’s a boy— I first mistook his oversized testicles for freakishly swollen labia. I wasn’t paying much attention to his genitalia, to be honest). I went out and bought a nice cage for him and soft cotton bedding and little toys and a hammock. I got rat food in several variations in case he didn’t like one of them. I named him Rat. I taught him tricks, like to give me a little lick on my cheek when I say “kiss.” He’s the best.

I continued doing research on rats and what they need and like. They are highly social creatures, and I worried that my beloved blind little baby was lonely. So, after Thanksgiving, I bought a new, triple-decker cage that probably takes up half the bedroom, a large exercise wheel, and another, smaller male rat, who I named Bundy (after Ted or Al, reader’s choice). And now I’m Rat Girl.

Rat routinely asserts his dominance over Bundy in what may fly for heterosexual in the rat world, but not in the human domain. Rat constantly pins Bundy to the ground and vigorously licks his genitals while Bundy squeaks (in protest or pleasure, I do not know— he has not confided in me). Bundy’s personality is much more timid than the aggressive, asshole behavior Rat displays. Rat tore a hoodie half to shreds when it was mistakenly left next to his cage. The cage was closed at the time— he simply pulled the sleeve in through the wire as far as he could and let his violent freak flag fly. It’s now known as the RatShirt. Rat has a weird habit of biting me when I wear tight clothing, I assume because he is a protective, puritanical pet. I have some concerns that Bundy was mistreated at the pet store, because he is shy and easily startled; however, he loves to crawl into the RatShirt’s soft front pocket and nap. He’s difficult to feed because of his reserved nature, but Rat always takes two food pellets and drops one to Bundy. (It’s so fucking cute.)

The rats are currently suffering from a cold and I am feeding them banana-flavored antibiotics on a regular schedule. Their sneezing is adorable but highly upsetting. I’m so in love with them that I wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares that they’ve been kidnapped and need to crawl out of bed to make sure they’re still snuggled together, Bundy on his back, paws flailing in his little rat dreams, while Rat stands guard over his balls.

The snake has made a full recovery.

Now you know everything.

OK I AM SORRY IF I DID ANYTHING WRONG, I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP. Here’s what’s going on.

My roommate is out of town. Before he left he gave his ball python a live albino rat, AGAINST MY CONSTANT HORRIBLE NAGGING ADVICE, and though she has taken live food before, she was not interested this time. As I warned, like the nagging shrew [no pun intended] that I am, the rat attacked the snake. The rat started grabbing desperately at the screen covering the cage and when I heard the noise, I intervened in a situation with two animals clearly stressed and in anguish.

I have removed the rat from the snake’s enclosure and put her in a high-walled trash can with a washcloth, some water, and a ritz cracker.

The snake has blood on her nose and a deep-looking scratch on the underside of her jaw, and it appears that minor damage has been done to some of her scales. Her enclosure is filthy and there is rat feces everywhere. She’s soaking in dirty water. I do not want her injuries to become infected but I believe her to be under too much stress to take her out and try to clean her in case she does something (? I don’t know what. Strikes at me?) I believe deep-cleaning her cage, her hide, and rinsing her with clean water and neosporin will help, based on my amateur research.

I called a Manhattan animal hospital and they recommended that if she was not bleeding heavily (she’s not) to make an appointment tomorrow, which will cost at least $60 plus treatment (of course you cannot put a price on a living soul but I only work part-time at the moment, I want to make sure I can afford it if it needs to be paid all at once).

What the hell am I supposed to do? Does anyone know a good exotic pet veterinarian? Does anyone want a feisty and brave albino rat? I can’t just free the rat into the subway— if she doesn’t freeze to death she will surely die another way, as albino rats have impaired vision, smell, and motor skills. I don’t even know where to put her when I go to work tomorrow afternoon- if she gets out of the trashcan I have a whole other host of problems. I care about both of these creatures and I am in agony over what to do.

I cannot contact my roommate, he is out of the country. Please help— What do I do?

UPDATE: I am coaxing the snake into her hide in the hopes of being able to lift her out in the morning and give her a clean rinse in the bathtub, and clean her cage and water bowl. I also put barriers around the trashcan to keep the rat from tipping it over, I don’t think there’s any other way for her to escape. Any ideas?